im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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