i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
