Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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