omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
