Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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