new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
