A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Less talking, more tequila
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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