First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
