3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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