Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
