During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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