I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
