How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
