If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
