Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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