If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
