I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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