I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
