saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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