guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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