So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
