my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
