My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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