I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What a fucking waste of an outfit
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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