I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
