There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
