Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize