His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
