First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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