don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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