anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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