Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
