I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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