fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
