my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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