i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
