i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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