dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
