I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
