Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
