So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
