Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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