Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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