how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
