She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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