textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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