my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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