God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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