it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Jerry, you need to find god
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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