I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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