i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
