Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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