I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
