My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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