I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
