I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
