I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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