The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
